How to Be Humble

"In reality there is perhaps no one of our natural Passions so hard to subdue as pride. Disguise it, struggle with it, beat it down, stifle it, mortify it as much as one pleases, it is still alive, and will every now and then peep out and show itself...For even if I could conceive that I had completely overcome it, I should probably be proud of my humility." - Benjamin Franklin

"It's hard to be humble," says an old country song, "when you're perfect in every way." Very few people, of course, actually think they're perfect in every way, but it can still be pretty hard to be humble, especially when you live in a society that encourages competition and individuality. Even in such a culture, however, humility is an important virtue. Learning to be humble is of paramount importance in most religions and spiritual traditions, and humility can also help you develop as a person and enjoy richer relationships with others.
Humble
Steps

1. Appreciate your talents. Being humble doesn't mean you can't feel good about you. Self-esteem is not the same as pride. Both come from a recognition of your own talents and qualities, but pride--the kind of pride that leans toward arrogance--is rooted in insecurity about yourself. Think about the abilities you have and be thankful for them.
2. Understand your limitations. No matter how talented you are, there is almost always somebody who can do something better than you can. Look to those who are better -- much better -- than you are in something to remember that you are not the best while also considering the potential for improvement. Also, even if you are the best in the world at doing one thing, there are other things--important, worthwhile things--that you cannot do, and you may never be able to do some of these things. Add to this the fact that there are a great many things that no person can do, and you can get some idea of your limitations. Recognizing your limitations does not mean abandoning your dreams, and it doesn't mean giving up on learning new things or improving your existing abilities. It does mean coming to terms with the very real limits of your abilities.
3. Recognize your own faults. We judge others because it's a lot easier than looking at our own faults. Unfortunately, it's also completely unproductive and, in many cases, harmful. Judging others causes strife in relationships, and it prevents new relationships from forming. Perhaps even worse, it prevents us from trying to improve ourselves. We make judgments about others all the time, and we often don't even realize it. As a practical exercise, try to catch yourself in the act of judging another person or group of people, and whenever you do, judge yourself instead and consider how you could improve yourself.
4. Stop comparing. Why? Because, it's just about impossible to be humble when we're striving to be the "best" or trying to be "better" than others. Instead, try describing things more objectively. Rather than saying that so and so is the best guitarist ever, say what exactly it is that you appreciate about his skills, or simply say that you like his playing style. Let go of meaningless, simplistic comparisons, and you'll be able to enjoy doing things without worrying about whether you're better or worse at them than others.
5. Appreciate the talents and qualities of others. Challenge yourself to look at others and appreciate the things they can do and, more generally, to appreciate people for who they are. Understand that everybody is different and relish the chance you have to experience different people. You will still have your personal tastes, your likes and dislikes, but train yourself to separate your opinions from your fears and you will appreciate others more--you will be humbler.
6. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Never be afraid to admit that you made a mistake. Part of being humble is understanding that you will make mistakes. Understand this, and understand that everyone else makes mistakes, and you will have a heavy burden lifted off of you. Why do we make mistakes? Because we don't know everything. Any one person can know only the smallest bits and pieces of the tremendous knowledge that has accumulated over the past. What's more, we experience only a sliver of the present, and we know nothing of the future.
7. Don't be afraid to defer to others' judgment. It's easy to acknowledge that you make mistakes and that you're not always right. Somewhat more difficult however, is the ability to acknowledge that in many cases other people--even people who disagree with you--may be right. Deferring to your spouse's wishes, to a law you don't agree with, or even, sometimes, to your child's opinion takes your recognition of your limitations to a different level. Instead of simply saying that you know that you're fallible, you take action based on that fact. Of course, if you know that a particular course of action is wrong, you shouldn't follow it. On closer inspection, though, you may realize that you don't actually know this as often as you think you do.
8. Rejuvenate your sense of wonder. Because we, as individuals, know practically nothing, you'd expect that we'd be awestruck more often than we typically are. Children have this sense of wonder, and it inspires the curiosity that makes them such keen observers and capable learners. Do you really know how your microwave works? Could you build one on your own? What about your car? Your brain? A rose? The jaded, "I've seen it all" attitude makes us feel far more important than we are. Be amazed like a child and you will not only be humbled; you will also be readier to learn.
9. Seek guidance. Contemplate moral texts and proverbs about humility. Pray for it, meditate on it, do whatever it takes to get your attention off yourself. If you're not into spirituality, consider the scientific method or vipassana. Science requires humility. It requires that you let go of your preconceived notions and judgments and understand that you don't know as much as you think you do.
10. Think about yourself under different circumstances. Much of what we give ourselves credit for is actually a product of luck. Suppose you graduate from an Ivy League university at the top of your class. You definitely deserve a lot of credit for the many hours of studying and for your perseverance. Consider though, that there is someone just as intelligent and hardworking as you who had less supportive parents, grew up in a different place, or just had the bad luck to make one wrong choice in life. That person - you, really - might be in jail now; they might be shivering in the entryway of a darkened storefront or clinging to life in a hospital bed. Or they may already have died, far from a hospital, from the very same illness for which your doctor treated you with a one-week course of antibiotics. Always remember that with a little bad luck yesterday, your whole life could be different today and, furthermore, that today could be the day your luck changes.
11. Help others. A big part of being humble is respecting others, and part of respecting others is helping them. Treat other people as equals and help them because it is the right thing to do. It's been said that when you can help others who cannot possibly help you in return, you have learned humility.


Tips

* Keep in mind that being humble has many benefits. Humility can help you be more content with your life, and it can also help you endure bad times and improve your relationships with others. It's also essential to being an effective learner. If you think you know it all, you won't be open-minded enough to seek out new knowledge. Humility is also, somewhat counter-intuitively, an excellent tool for self-development in general. After all, if you feel superior, you have no incentive to improve. Most of all, being humble allows you to be honest with yourself.


[edit] Warnings

* Pretending to be humble isn't the same as being humble, and often people who pretend to be humble do it in order to seek out praise. Other people will recognize this, and even if you fool some, you won't derive the same benefits as you would through actually developing humility.
* Similarly, don't confuse being humble with being sycophantic (being overly-praiseful of someone for your own profit). This is a common misconception, but the two attitudes are completely different.

How to Be Thankful

Do you take many things in your life for granted? By looking at the world a little differently, you just might realize how much you have to be thankful for. Here's how to stop and smell the roses.

Steps

1. Pay attention to the people around you. You will find that everybody has something to worry or complain about, not just you. It's easy to focus on those who seem to have it all, but you never know what's going on inside. They might look happy, but they might be miserable as well. Don't look at others and think "I should have it like they do." Look at those who aren't as fortunate as you are and take note of how blessed you are. Count your blessings. If it helps, consider volunteering or start a friendship with someone who is not as fortunate and find small or gradual ways to help them.
2. Practice acceptance. Stop dwelling on how things should be, what could've been, and what you don't have. Recognize what you do have--whether you like it or not, it's yours to keep or to change. Accepting your lot in life is not about resigning yourself to unhappiness. It's about not wasting time wishing for what you don't have. You could try writing a list of things you want, and things you have. Consider the thought that many less fortunate people will want some of the basic things that you have.
3. Become a problem solver. Use your lemons to make lemonade. Get in the habit of asking yourself how you can turn the negative into a positive. The most successful people in life, and those who have the most to be grateful for, are also those who've endured tremendous trials and managed to persevere and turn it all around.
4. Learn to see hardship as a chance to develop character. Imagine yourself looking back ten years from now and recounting your difficult circumstances, and being proud of how you handled it and worked through it.
5. Develop a gratitude journal. It's pretty simple. At the end of every day, write down five things that have made you happy or appreciative that day; not necessarily big things, even small ones count.
   • For example: 1) nice weather, 2) being thanked by a customer at work, 3) my pet, 4) having people who love me, 5) a funny joke or a song you like.
6. Take joy in the small things. Blow bubbles. Walk the dog. Get lost in the park. Goof off or watch a funny movie and have a good laugh. Life's treasures are the small pleasures; give thanks for each small gift you receive!

Tips

• Avoid negative people whose social interaction consists of comparing their lives and competing for who has it worse.
• Volunteering to help those in need will help put things in perspective.

Warnings

• Variation is a part of life; seasons, day and night, hilltops and valleys, light and darkness.
• No matter how positive and thankful you are, remember that life will always have its ups and downs. You are going to have to take the good with the bad.

How to Find Peace

Steps

1. Find a quiet, special space. it can be anywhere (including outside) and get yourself comfortable.
2. Sit in a relaxed position.
3. Put your hands on your lap, or any comfortable position.
4. Close your eyes.
5. Focus carefully on your breathing.
6. Think about a long winding river and try to achieve stillness.
7. Notice how much easier it is to concentrate when you are done and how you feel much, much happier.
8. Practice this more; you will get better.


Tips

* To get ongoing access to the peace within, you will need to find a way to access the experience directly -- to live peacefully.
* The peace is lost due to our own disturbability of mind, which is due to subclinical neuroendocrine and autonomic imbalance and lack of focus and conviction. This can be rectified by namasmaran and pranayam which compliment every other measure to attain peace.
* Buddhists use this technique and may eventually achieve what they call enlightenment.


Warnings

* The experience of peace cannot be created by mental exercises or physical exertions. Sometimes they allow you to get a glimpse of the peace within.

How to Apologize

We all know what an apology is; it's an expression of remorse or guilt over having said or done something that is acknowledged to be hurtful or damaging, and a request for forgiveness. But we also know it can be really hard to swallow our pride and say "I'm sorry." If you have a difficult time making amends for mistakes or repairing the effects of angry words, here's how to keep your dignity while being humble, and invite forgiveness with grace.

Steps

1. Be sincerely sorry. Before you can apologize for something you've done, make absolutely sure in your own heart that you really are sorry for what you've done. Often we try to apologize in an effort to appease the other person or make ourselves feel forgiven, but we can never hope to be forgiven for something we truly aren't sorry for.
2. Realize that what you did was not a good choice and probably hurt this person.
3. Realize that there are no excuses. Do not try to think of or offer one. An apology with an excuse is not an apology. Take full responsibility for what you did.
4. Decide when to apologize. Sometimes immediately after your mistake is best, sometimes not. The sting of a harsh word can be cooled right away with a quick apology, but other offenses might need the other person to cool down before they are willing to even listen to your next sentence. However, the sooner you apologize for your mistake, the more likely it will be viewed as an error in judgment and not a character flaw.
5. "I'm sorry...I shouldn't have said that."
   Write your apology down. Construct a letter to the person you're apologizing to, rehearsing what you will say in person. If you don't feel comfortable with writing, then use a voice recorder. Not only will this help you remember what to say when you're face to face with them, but you can also bring the copy with you and hand it to them if you find the apology quite difficult to express. But never forget that a direct and honest apology is best. Do it face to face, if possible. A phoned, emailed or recorded apology may show a lack of sincerity and effort.
6. Begin the apology by naming the offense and the feelings it may have caused. Be specific about the incident so that they know exactly what you're apologizing for. Make it a point to avoid using the word "but". ("I am sorry, but..." means "I am not sorry.") Also, do not say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if you were offended." Be sorry for what you did! "I'm sorry you feel that way" makes it seem like you are blaming the other person, and is not a real apology. Validate their feelings or discomfort by acknowledging your transgression's (potential) effects, while taking responsiblity:
   
   
   • "Boss, I'm sorry I'm late again, I know my shift started 10 minutes ago. I hope this doesn't complicate your day."
   • "Dear, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday - there's no excuse. I hope you don't feel neglected, please let me set this right."
7. "This is an explanation, not an excuse. There is no excuse."
   Make amends. Think about what caused you to make the offense. Is it because you're a little too laid back about being on time, or remembering important dates? Is it because you tend to react instantly to certain comments, without pausing to consider an alternative point of view? Is it because you are unhappy with your life, and you unknowingly take it out on others? Find the underlying problem, describe it to the person (as an explanation, not an excuse), and tell them what you intend to do to rectify that problem so that you can avoid this mistake in the future:
   
   
   • "I snapped at you because I've been so stressed out with work lately, and it's selfish of me to take it out on you. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to cut down my hours to X per week. I really think it'll help me unwind, and help us spend more quality time together."
   • "I've been distant and cold because I get paranoid that you're going to walk out on me because I don't have a job. But that's a terrible thing to do. Look, here's a list of things I'm going to do to find a job ASAP..."
8. Express your appreciation for the role that they play in your life, emphasizing that you do not want to jeopardize or damage the relationship. This is the time to briefly recount what has created and sustained the bond over time and tell loved ones that they are indeed loved. Describe what your life would be missing without their trust and their company.
9. Ask if they will give you another chance to make up for what you did wrong. Tell them you'd love to show them that you've learned from your mistake, and that you will take action to change and grow as a result, if they will let you. Make a clear request for forgiveness and wait for their answer. This gives the injured party the well deserved "power" in determining the outcome of the situation.
10. Be understanding. If an apology is not accepted, thank them for hearing you out and leave the door open if they wish to reconcile later.
    • "I understand you're still upset about it, but thanks for giving me the chance to apologize. If you ever change your mind, please give me a call.
11. Make no excuses. If you are lucky enough for your apology to be accepted, avoid the temptation to throw in a few excuses at the end. Instead, have a transition planned out beforehand for what you can do to solidify the clean slate.
    • "Let's go get some coffee and catch up. It'll be my treat. I miss knowing what you're up to."
12. Be patient. Remember, just because someone accepts your apology doesn't mean they've fully forgiven you. It can take time, maybe a long time, before the injured party can completely let go and fully trust you again. There is little you can do to speed this process up, but there are endless ways to bog it down. If the person is truly important to you, it's worth it to give them the time and space they need to heal.
13. Stick to your word. This is every bit as important as every other step. A true apology entails a resolution, and you have to carry out your promise in order for the apology to be sincere and complete. Otherwise, your apologies will lose their meaning, and trust may disappear beyond the point of no return.

Tips

• One on one.
  If you can, pull the person aside so that you can apologize while you're alone. Not only will this reduce the likelihood of other people influencing the person's decision, but it will also make you a little less nervous. However, if you insulted the person publicly and made him/her lose face, your apology is much more effective if done publicly.You can also write them a letter if the person you wronged won't talk to you.
• Use relaxed and humble body language. Keeping your arms crossed or pointing fingers will put the other person on the defensive.
• If the person is willing to talk to you about making amends, see this as an opportunity. If you've forgotten your wife's birthday, for instance, you might decide to celebrate another night and make it extra wonderful and romantic. This won't relieve you of responsibility for remembering the next important occasion, of course, but it will show that you're willing to take special time and effort.
• One apology will often cause another, either from you for something else you realized you are sorry for, or from the other person because they realize the conflict was mutual. Be prepared to forgive.
• A proper apology is always about the injured party. Keep your apology focused on the actual wrong done, and the recipient.
• Don't keep asking if he or she is mad at you. This puts the focus back on you, and makes you sound impatient and selfish. Just as it takes time to heal, it can take time to forgive.
• DO NOT apologize through a text message, e-mail, or over an instant message chat session. It's best to do this in person, or over the phone if necessary.

Warnings

• Sometimes attempted apologies turn into a rehash of the same argument you wanted to amend. Be very careful not to re-argue any topics or open any old wounds.
• Don't be too surprised (or suspicious) if you are forgiven. Take people at their word, just like they took your apology.
• Don't apologize unless you really mean it. You can spot false apologies from a mile away, and so can others.
• Even if you feel that the conflict was partly because of the other person's miscommunication, do not say so in the middle of your apology. At most, mention briefly that the other person can help you avoid misunderstandings by reminding you when you step out of line, and apologize again for the hurt you caused.
• Do not talk about how bad you feel. The apology is not about your guilt, your shame, your fear of rejection, your anxiety or your loneliness while waiting to be forgiven. It is about the other person - remember that, even if it seems to be taking them a long time to forgive you.
• Never assume that the injured party is "punishing" you by taking time to forgive you, but watch for warning signs that they will hold a grudge forever. If you hear the words "I'm not going to let you forget this," or "I'll be your friend again, but this will change our friendship forever," listen to your gut, and consider letting the relationship go.
• NEVER think negatively about the situation. A little positive attitude can assist you in apologizing and can give you the hope of actually being forgiven.

How to Be Optimistic

While being skeptical can be a healthy way to avoid getting taken advantage of, being pessimistic - that is, always assuming the worst - can have major negative consequences on your life. Seeing only the negative aspects of any situation can cause you to miss opportunities, neglect problems that need to be solved, and fail to take action that would otherwise improve your relationships and quality of life. Optimists look for the light at the end the tunnel. If you've always had a pessimistic worldview, it can be difficult to shift your focus, but it is possible to start seeing the glass as half full, not half empty.

Steps

1. Let go of the assumption that the world is against you, or that you were born with a gray cloud over your head. It is an assumption that has no basis in reason or science. To believe that the universe or a spiritual entity has singled you out and shifted the world order just to make your life miserable is both self-centered and illogical. Be humble and stop pretending you've got the world all figured out. Sometimes bad experiences lead to good experiences, and you can't predict the future, so you can't assume it'll always be bad.
2. Look for the source of your pessimism. Deep-rooted negativity can often be traced to childhood experiences, when growing minds observe their circumstances and make presumptions about how the world functions. If all you saw growing up were disappointments, betrayals and failure, it's no surprise that now it's what you expect from the world as an adult. Sometimes we pick up a flair for pessimism from a parent who made negative assumptions about the world somewhere along the line. Either way, the sooner you can attribute your pessimism to a unique set of circumstances rather than the state of the world itself, the easier it'll be to change your perspective.
3. Understand that the past does not equal the future. Just because you've experienced pain or disappointment in the past does not guarantee that it's all you'll experience in the future. There were many things in your past that you couldn't control, and everybody comes across unfortunate circumstances at some point in their lives - you're no exception. But there are also many things in life we can control to one degree or another, and therein lies the possibility of change. A day or week that starts badly will not necessarily end badly. Do not make a bad start turn into a self fulfilling prophecy for a bad ending.
4. See yourself as a cause, not an effect. You don't have to be a product or a victim of your circumstances. Stop thinking about what is happening to you and start thinking about what you can make happen. If you're not happy with the way your life is now, set goals and move on. Use your past negative experiences to build character and make better decisions, instead of letting pessimism turn you into someone who avoids risk at all costs. Sometimes it is necessary to take risks to receive rewards. Moreover, taking no action is taking an action. It is better to play to win rather than merely to avoid losing.
5. Accept pain, failure and disappointment as a part of life, not the entirety of it. Life involves taking many risks every day, and not all of them will end positively. That's what defines risk. But the flip side is that some actions will lead to good results, and it's generally better to have a mixed bag than to have nothing at all. Ideally, the good stuff will outweigh the bad, but you'll never reach that point unless you put yourself out there and hope for the best. When in doubt, remember Lord Alfred Tennyson's words of wisdom:
   
   I hold it true, whate'er befall;
   I feel it, when I sorrow most;
   'Tis better to have loved and lost
   Than never to have loved at all.
6. Be thankful. Everyone has something to be grateful for. Make a list of the good things that have happened to you. If nothing instantly springs to mind, you aren't trying hard enough. The key to being an optimist is recognizing the benefits and possibilities of any situation, and understanding that it could always be worse. If all else fails, think of how life could be worse, and flip the thought process to recognize what you do have. For example: "I'm flunking out of school" can turn into "Well, at least I have a chance to go to school, and I still have time to turn my grades around." Get a notebook and a pen, and write down all the good things that you have. Every time you are feeling negative, read through them and remind yourself that it's not all bad.
7. Use positive affirmations. Write down short statements that remind you of what you're trying to change about the way you see the world. Put them in places where you'll see them every day, such as on your bathroom mirror, the inside of your locker, on your computer monitor, and even taped to your shower wall. Some affirmations to start with are:
   
   
   • "Anything is possible."
   • "I create my circumstances, my circumstances don't create me."
   • "The only thing I can control is my attitude towards life."
   • "I always have a choice."
8. Remember that life is short. When you feel pessimism clouding your judgment or you start to feel down about the future, remind yourself that every minute counts, and any time spent brooding guarantees nothing but less time to enjoy whatever life might have to offer. At its core, pessimism is impractical because it causes you to spend time dwelling on things that haven't happened yet and aren't guaranteed to happen, and it prevents you from getting things done. Pessimism breeds indecision. It's a waste of time, and time is a limited resource that you can't afford to take for granted.
9. Be a balanced optimist. Nobody's suggesting that you become an oblivious Pollyanna, pretending that nothing bad can or ever will happen. Doing so can lead to poor decisions and invites people to take advantage of you. Instead, be a rational optimist who takes the good with the bad, in hopes of the good ultimately outweighing the bad, and with the understanding that being pessimistic about everything accomplishes nothing. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best - the former makes you sensible, and the latter makes you an optimist.

Tips

• Use quotes to remind yourself how to be optimistic. Maybe during a particularly tough day someone mentions some saying that gives you a rare boost of motivation, write it down. Here are a few inspirational saying:
  
  
  • Even the longest journey begins with a single step
  • Life has a way of reminding one that it can be worse
  • Until one understands the low and darker side of life, the appreciation of the awe-inspiring highs will remain stagnant
  • Every cloud has a silver lining
• Look happy. Studies have shown that putting a positive expression on your face can actually make you feel happier and more optimistic about the future.^[1]
• Practice by conveying these ideas to others. If you hear someone being pessimistic, counsel them based on these steps. Sometimes it's easier to understand a perspective if you explain it to someone else first.
• No matter how odd this may sound, listen to optimistic music (that you like) and read books that have a least a little optimism in it.

Warnings

• Avoid negative people. If you can't avoid them, learn how to not let them get you down.
• Don't confuse pessimism with depression. Depression can make everything look worse than it is.
• While it is true that you create your own circumstances, accept that the past is the past. Don't let negative circumstances trigger irrational guilt.
• Realize that it's not about what happens to you, it's about how you react to what happens.

How to Cope with Loss and Pain

When you lose someone or something that is very precious to you, the grief is intense. Pain, memories, and questions haunt you. You feel you will never be the same again; never really laugh, never recover, never be whole again.
However, it is possible to heal emotionally, mentally, physically and in spirit and become a compassionate, feeling, laughing human being once again. Don't allow the pain to pull you down.

Steps

1. Face up to the issue. Though other people around you may help you temporarily forget your pain, you'll never truly heal until you confront the situation. Ignoring the pain and not feeling it can sometimes bring serious repercussions later.
2. Share your feelings with others. If you can't find a friend, lean on a compassionate stranger.
3. Let your pain come out. Let the tears flow. It is okay to cry even if you are not the kind of person who shows your feelings.
4. Try and remember the good times instead of focusing on negative things.
5. Do something that gives you peace; gardening, cooking, fishing, listening to your favorite music, walking, drawing, painting, writing, etc.
6. Involve yourself with social work. When you involve yourself with other people's lives, you gain many insights to cope better.
   • Volunteering to help with young children may be especially good. Their spontaneity, their laughter will soothe you.
7. Save things that remind you of your loved one. Just because the person is gone doesn't mean you shouldn't always remember them. It may be comforting to know that even if the person is no longer here, the friendship and family ties you have with them still exist. No one will ever be able to take that away from you, and the relationship you have with them will always be a part of you.
8. Remember that time heals. It doesn't cure, and it never will; but that's a good thing. We never forget those who we love.
9. Love yourself. If you fall (and you will fall), laugh at yourself, kick yourself in the butt and and go on.
10. Don't regret anything. Don't put yourself down because you didn't have the chance to say you were sorry or I love you or goodbye. You can still say it.

Tips

• Life is beautiful -- it has many wonderful surprises in store for you. So go ahead and smile, visit new places, and meet new people.
• You are suffering, and it's okay to take time for yourself. Though, try to seek out people who will take care of you -- perhaps seek out a support group or therapist who can help you through this time.
• We all have to go through our cycle of life, death and feelings. Grieve for as long as you need to no matter what anyone says. This is your time.
• At one point or another we all deal with something similar to this. Know that there are other people out there who can help you cope with this.
• We are who we choose to be, it is our choices in life that ultimately decide who we are and who we will become.

TIPS to Forgive

• Put your best mental energies (perhaps first thing in the morning) into visualizing the new life you want. See yourself - in the future - as free of this pain and suffering.
• Keep the following quotes in mind if you're finding it hard to generate positive feelings for the person:
  
  
  • "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
  • "Those who are the hardest to love, need it the most."
  • "Follow peace with all men, and holiness," -Hebrews 12:14."
  • "As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons." -The Desiderata by Max Ehrmann
  • "Hating someone is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it."

• • "If we could read the secret history of our enemies we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
  • "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" - The Golden Rule
  • "Be kind, for all you meet, are fighting a great battle."- Philo
  • "Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. But whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him[a] to make him stumble." 1 John 2:9,10-The Bible
  • "Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him." 1 John 3:15- The Bible
  • "The hatred you're carrying is a live coal in your heart - far more damaging to yourself than to them." Lawana Blackwell, The Dowry of Miss Lydia Clark, 1999.
  • "The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."
  • "But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses." Mark 11:26.
  • "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you" Matthew 6:14
• Sometimes it helps to think of how others have forgiven under incredible circumstances. Ask friends for support and examples to motivate you toward forgiveness.
• Forgiveness is a choice. When you say, "I can't forgive that person," what you're really saying is, "I'm choosing not to forgive that person." If you say it the second way instead, you'll find yourself forgiving soon.
• You need to keep these four points in mind when forgiving someone:
  
  
  • Do not bring up the situation up to yourself.
  • Do not bring up the situation to the offender.
  • Treat the offender as if it never happened.
  • Do not talk about the situation to others. Caveat: If the situation is the type that could result in harm to others, you must take the necessary steps to prevent harm; e.g., notifying authorities in the case of vulnerable persons (children) or populations (patients, elderly clients in nursing homes, etc.\

Warnings

• rue forgiveness is unconditional and not predicated on any act or request from the offender. The type of forgiveness discussed here is intended to free you from the impotent rage, depression, and despair that nursing a grievance causes.
• True forgiveness takes time. Realize that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time. It is ok for you to take time to forgive, but you must realize that you will only be free from the bondage of hurt,despair and rage if you let it go and truly forgive the hurt that is holding back the true you.
• An offender who wants reconciliation must do his or her part: offer a sincere apology, promise not to repeat the offense (or similar ones), make amends, and give it time. If you don't see repentance, understand that according forgiveness to that person is a benefit to yourself, not to the offender. However, forgiveness of this type must be applied with wisdom and discernment. Unless those who have harmed us have truly repented of whatever they have done, we need to use wisdom in avoiding repeating the hurt. This may require avoiding those who are unrepentant of the harm that they have inflicted upon us.

How to Forgive

One of the hardest, thorniest and most difficult things we humans are ever called upon to do is to respond to evil with kindness, and to forgive the unforgivable. We love to read stories about people who've responded to hatred with love, but when that very thing is demanded of us personally, our default seems to be anger, angst, depression, righteousness, hatred, etc. Yet study after study shows that one of the keys to longevity and good health is to develop a habit of gratitude and let go of past hurts.

Want to live a long, happy life? Forgive the unforgivable. It really is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Your enemy may not deserve to be forgiven for all the pain and sadness and suffering purposefully inflicted on your life, but you deserve to be free of this evil. As Ann Landers often said, "hate is like an acid. It destroys the vessel in which it is stored."

Steps

1. Realize that the hate you feel toward your enemy does not harm him or her in the slightest. Chances are, your enemy has gone on with life and hasn't given you another thought.
2. 

   

   Look at the situation from an eagle's eye.
   Make a list of the good things that happened as a result of this awful experience. You've probably focused long enough on the bad parts of this experience. Look at the problem from a wholly new angle; look at the good side. The first item on that list may be a long time coming because you've focused on the bad for so long, but don't give up. See if you can identify 10 good things that happened specifically because of this experience.
3. Look for the helpers. Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers) related that, as a little boy, he'd often become upset about major catastrophes in the news. His mother would tell him, "look for the helpers." In your own nightmarish experience, think back to the people who helped you. Think about their kindness and unselfishness.
4. Look at the bigger picture. Was someone your "good samaritan"? In this biblical story, a traveler happens upon a poor soul who was beat up on the road to Jericho and left for dead. It's a lot easier to play the part of the Good Samaritan than to be the poor soul who is left bleeding and bruised on the side of the road. Perhaps this isn't all about you. Perhaps your trial provided an opportunity for others to rise to an occasion to provide you with help and support.
5. Be compassionate with yourself. If you've ruminated over this problem for a long time, steering this boat into a new direction could take some time, too. As you try to make a new path out of the dark woods of this old hurt, you'll make mistakes. Forgive yourself. Be patient and kind to yourself. Extreme emotional pain has a profound effect on the body. Give yourself time to heal - physically and emotionally. Eat well. Rest. Focus on the natural beauty in the world.
6. Learn that the Aramaic word for "forgive" means literally to "untie." The fastest way to free yourself from an enemy and all associated negativity is to forgive. Untie the bindings and loose yourself from that person's ugliness. Your hatred has tied you to the person responsible for your pain. Your forgiveness enables you to start walking away from him or her and the pain.
7. Stop telling "the story." How many times this week did you tell "the story" about how badly you were hurt and how horribly you were wronged? How many times a day do you think about this hurt? It is a stake driven into the ground that keeps you from moving away from this hurt. Rather, forgive your enemy because it's the kindest thing you can do for your friends and family. Negativity is depressing, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
8. Tell "the story" from the other person's perspective. Actually imagine that you are the other person (the one who offended you) and use the word "I" when saying what that person would say. You, most likely, don't know exactly what s/he was thinking when this event unfolded but pretend that you do, and just go with the story that comes up in your head. Sit down with a friend, or maybe even the person you are trying to forgive, and tell the story as though you are that person. It is important to do this verbally and not just in your head. Realize in advance that this is not an easy exercise, but it holds great power. Just your willingness to tell the story from the offender's perspective requires a bit of forgiveness. Also, realize that this is not a contradiction to the preceding paragraph since this perspective will change your story.
9. 

   

   Peace, peace
   Retrain your thinking. When your enemy and his or her evil actions come to mind, send him or her a blessing. Wish your enemy well. Hope the best for him or her. This has two effects. One, it neutralizes that acid of hate that destroys the vessel in which it is stored. The evil we wish for another seems to have a rebound effect. The same is true for the good that we wish for another. When you make yourself able to return blessing for hatred, you'll know that you're well on the path to wholeness. The first 15 - or 150 - times you try this, the "blessing" may feel contrived, empty, and even hypocritical but keep trying. Eventually, it will become a new habit and soon thereafter, the anger and pain that has burned in your heart will evaporate, like dew before the morning sun. This technique forces your mind to overcome the cognitive dissonance between hating someone and acting with compassion toward him or her. Since there is no way to take back the kind gesture to agree with your hatred, the only thing your mind can do is change your belief about the person to match. You will begin to say to yourself, "S/he is deserving of a blessing, and indeed, must need one very much."
10. Maintain perspective: While the "evil" actions of your "enemy" are hurtful to you and your immediate surroundings, the rest of the world goes on unaware. Validate their meaning in your life, but never lose perspective that others are not involved and do not deserve anything to be taken out on them. Your enemy is someone else's beloved child, someone's employee, or a child's parent.