The self disciplined child

When you realize that you are increasingly setting limits, saying no, and reprimanding your child, then it is time to stop, take a close look at your child, and examine your own parenting behaviors. A child’s behavior is a symptom, a sign reflecting the state or condition of his/her normal developmental needs. To modify a particular behavior, we must first determine its cause from the point of view of the child. When children needs are met, the motivation to misbehave is reduced, and over a period of time, these youngsters become more capable of constructively directing the course of their own behavior.

The self-disciplined child evolves from an environment that meets his or her developmental needs. These physical, emotional, and social needs are described in detail by Erik Erikson and Alice Miller (see Bibliography). A home environment that best meets these needs is one that nourishes a strong sense of trust and autonomy.

Trust

From birth onward, children require interpersonal relationships that foster the development of trust. Research shows that babies who are held often and not left to cry unattended for long periods of time (defined from an infant’s point of view as 60 to 90 seconds) mature into six and seven year olds with more stable, self-controlled and resilient personalities than those who cry without being quickly comforted. (See Notes 1.and 2.) They are also more self-disciplined and less aggressively dependent. In the presence of caring adults, infants learn to trust that others will give assistance. They also gain confidence in their ability to get the attention they require.

The early development of trust depends upon a predictable environment. The young child’s world is most predictable when relationships with important adults and children are stable and enduring, and when daily life is composed of familiar routines. Routines are especially important during the most vulnerable times of day: early morning, naptimes, mealtimes and bedtime. Fatigue and hunger tend to increase a child’s sensitivity, and a regular pattern of activity can go a long way toward guiding the child smoothly through these difficult times. Children exposed to daily routines are eventually able to trust themselves to move securely through periods of the day that are physically and emotionally frustrating.

Why is it so important for infants to experience a sense of trust in their world? First, because trust enables the expression of curiosity. Early curiosities are the seeds of later intellectual interests and achievements. When infants are attracted to a toy or a pile of blocks, they want to reach out and grasp the toy or build with the blocks. As the initial curiosity wells up within them, so too does a certain tension or anxiety. The source of this anxiety is uncertainty: the child has never before grasped a toy or tried to build with blocks.

Having learned that the external world is stable and predictable, children will reach out. Their curiosity will overpower their uncertainty. Having learned the world is unsatisfying and unpredictable, they will refrain from reaching out for fear that they may be hurt or disappointed.

Their anxiety will overpower their curiosity. Parents who create a trusting social and physical environment for their child throughout the youngster’s early years are laying an emotional foundation that will enable their child to overcome uncertainty and its attendant anxieties and reach out into the world with curiosity. This foundation serves the child’s later learning and self-direction.

Secondly, a sense of trust in the world promotes self-confidence. When children experience the world as a nurturing, helpful, and predictable place, they risk reaching out to it. They evidence delight in achieving their goals. Interacting with people, nature, and things becomes an exhilarating emotional experience: an overcoming of anxiety, a satisfaction of curiosity, and a first step toward inner security.

This interaction with the world is often called play. When children are free to play in a trusting environment, both their delight and their self-confidence expand. They learn that they can successfully handle situations by themselves. In time, they become less dependent upon adults and more self-controlled.

Choice-giving

Toward the end of the first year of life, children begin to express a growing drive for autonomy. Although the earliest sign may be simply an occasional spark, now is the time to add a new dimension to the child-rearing environment: ample opportunities to exercise this emerging will in the areas of daily living.

Parental demands and requests engage young toddlers in a struggle for selfhood and inevitably elicit strong resistance. “No!” announces the toddler striving naturally for autonomy. This is a parent’s signal to stop issuing demands and begin offering choices. Rather than “Now it is time to get dressed”, try “Do you want to wear your green socks or your blue ones?” Rather than “I want you to brush your teeth”, ask “Do you want to brush your teeth with your red toothbrush or your green one?” Giving choices is a child-rearing technique in harmony with the child’s developmental need to exercise his or her budding individuality.

The need to exercise the will is extremely strong in children from about one to four years of age. They want to make up their own minds and experience a sense of independence from their parents. Making choices helps them achieve a healthy sense of themselves. So offer plenty of opportunities! Even decisions that seem trivial to you, as a parent, may be very significant to your toddler.

Choice-giving is vital for parents as well. Presenting appropriate choices can relieve you from engaging in a battle of wills with your child. Present choices that will lead toward the desired behavior. The question “Which shirt would you like to wear today, the red or the yellow one?” leads to the desired behavior of getting dressed. Also, refrain from offering too many or too frequent choices, because this can overwhelm a child and provoke resistance or a loss of interest.

To determine whether your choice-giving is experienced as effective or overwhelming by your child, ask yourself a few questions. Does your child’s response indicate that you are creating alternatives that are attractive and achievable? Does your tone of voice elicit your child’s interest? Are you willing to live with whichever option your child picks? In other words, before asking “Would you like to go to the playground or stay at home this afternoon?” check to be sure that both options are possible. Your child’s behavior will also provide clues. Is he or she eager for the opportunity to make a decision? If so, you have probably been giving reasonable choices. Does he or she seem upset or uninterested in the idea? If so, reevaluate to see if better or fewer choices would help.

Also realize that at some times choice-giving may not be possible. One day, for example, you may not be able to offer a choice for breakfast. However you can offer choices in clothing or in the sequence of activities. You can always find occasions for choice-giving in daily life.

Additional Guidelines

The following parenting skills and disciplines contribute significantly to a nurturing environment. These are neither techniques, behavioral management strategies, nor quick fixes. They are enduring processes that inspire positive behaviors in the early years. Over the course of time, skills and disciplines transfer from parent to child. As a result the child becomes his or her own disciplinary agent. The youngster gradually becomes capable of self-regulation.

Remain physically aware. It is essential to remember that children need a proper diet, sufficient rest and exercise. A youngster who has not eaten or rested adequately during the day will be more likely to act out of control. Until the age of seven or so, the body undergoes continuous cycles of growth that are often rapid and stressful. A simple breakfast, lunch, and supper cannot provide sufficient fuel to meet the physical needs of these years. To prevent misbehavior caused by the hunger and tiredness accompanying physical growth, keep nutritious snacks on hand and make sure that your child has opportunities to rest or nap each day.

Use detective skills. The successful detective looks for motivating factors. Systematically studying the unlawful act from all sides, the detective carefully develops an understanding of its purpose and then begins searching for the individual who, to satisfy personal needs, had to break the law.

Parents miss the mark when they focus attention on their child’s misbehavior. Like the detective, you must look carefully for the underlying causes. Ask yourself, “What needs motivated my child to act in this way?” Then examine the behavior from all perspectives. “Was my child tired, hungry, or bored?” “Are the developmental needs for trust and autonomy being met (from my child’s point of view)?” “Is my child receiving adequate affection, attention and recognition?” Using detective skills, you can usually uncover the frustrated developmental need(s) that gave rise to the misbehavior and thereby prevent the establishment of negative behavior patterns.

Model desirable behavior. Young children reflect the attitudes and behaviors of their parents. In fact, parental activity defines acceptable behavior for a child. Quarreling, fighting, sarcasm, disrespect, swearing, and hitting are powerful negative influences. Why do children imitate some parental behaviors and not others? Young children are primarily attracted by excited or intense behavior. It draws their attention much like a strong magnet attracts a metal pin. For example, swearing is an intense emotional act that profoundly impacts a child. The parent’s louder voice, energized feelings, and emphatic gestures draw the child’s attention. The child quickly senses that the verbal expletives and exaggerated body movements are something special, something exciting to do. Soon the child may display the same mannerisms and vocabulary. Such misbehavior upsets and embarrasses many parents. Some react by reprimanding the child for doing what is only developmentally normal – copying excited parental behaviors. Punishing or blaming a child for demonstrating these behaviors will not correct the problem. Parental self-discipline will. The well-disciplined adult produces the well-disciplined child.

Express your enthusiasm. The magnetic influence of parental excitement can be used to good purpose. For example, to encourage the enjoyment of books, you might share your own excitement while reading stories. By enthusiastically calling attention to an illustration, you can inspire your child’s interest in it. Parents who consistently show that they are interested in and excited by a valued activity also generate and sustain their child’s interest in it.

Of course, authenticity is a critical determinant for success. Going through the motions of being excited will not inspire your child’s interest. Children readily detect phony efforts.

Deal effectively with misbehavior. When misbehavior occurs, some parenting dos and don’ts can make all the difference. If a child hits someone and the parent responds by yelling or spanking, the parent’s actions demonstrate that yelling or hitting is OK. Parents who discipline by shouting or spanking sow the seeds for their child’s later adoption of these behaviors. The wise parent, on the other hand, will address the misbehavior directly in a non-threatening manner. If your child hits someone, use your detective skills, yes! But also go calmly to your child, bend down so that you are at eye level, and be sure you have your child’s attention. Then explain, calmly and seriously, “In this family, we do not hit”.

Putting It All Together

Here is how one mother used these principles with her two-and-a-half-year-old son. She was in the living room talking with a friend when her son began to interrupt their conversation. Using her detective skills, she realized that her son was needing someone to pay attention to him. She excused herself momentarily from the conversation and gathered some of his favorite toys, placing them in a corner of the room, within her range of vision. For a little while, she played with her son and conveyed her excitement in what he was doing. Once he became actively engaged in play, she returned to her conversation with her friend.

This mother could have scolded her son for interrupting, but she chose not to do so. She looked beyond the overt behavior to determine what developmental needs might have caused it. Then she creatively addressed the situation.

This approach to guiding a child’s behavior works best when it is practiced from the time of birth. When we bring wonder and enthusiasm to a child’s world from the start, then the child’s later play, learning, and behavior will reflect active, self-directed interest. But it is never too late to begin. Adopting new parenting behaviors in later years, although they may not produce immediate results, can make a tremendous difference in the long run. But do not be disappointed if at first there is resistance to the new way. The vital key to the development of a self-disciplined child is perseverance.

Self-discipline comes easily and naturally to children who are well guided. Strive to create a responsive environment that meets developmental needs—one that fosters trust and encourages autonomy. Learn to view behavior as a symptom. Ask yourself, “What good reason does my child have for that behavior?” Model desirable actions, and extend personal enthusiasm and excitement to your child’s world. When misbehaviors arise, deal with them in a straightforward way. The path to the self-disciplined child is the path forged by self-disciplined adults.